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Dave Barry's Colonoscopy BYLINE: By Dave Barry, McClatchy Newspapers OK. You turned You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family. 3. You haven't noticed any problems. 4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17, feet up. Jan 05,  · Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This Article. Vote Improved My Health 1; Vote Changed My Life 3; Vote Saved My Life; This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office Author: Dr. Gail Gross Ph.D. Ed.D. Dave's Columns How to Make a Board. Most of what I know about carpentry, which is almost nothing, I learned in shop. I took shop during the Eisenhower administration, when boys took shop and girls took home economics--a code name for "cooking".

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Most of what I know about carpentry, which is almost nothing, I learned in shop. I took shop during the Eisenhower administration, when boys took shop and girls took home economics--a code name for "cooking".

Schools are not allowed to separate boys and girls like that any more, dave barry articles. They're also not allowed to put students' heads in vises and tighten them, which is what our shop teacher, Mr. Schmidt, did to Ronnie Miller in the fifth grade when Ronnie used a chisel when he should have used a screwdriver. Schmidt had strong feelings about how to use tools properly.

I guess he shouldn't have put Ronnie's head in dave barry articles vise, but it Ronnie's head was no great prize to begin with, and you can bet Ronnie never confused chisels and screwdrivers in later life. Assuming he made it to later life. Under Mr. Schmidt's guidance, we hammered out hundreds of the ugliest and most useless objects the human mind can conceive of. Our first major project was a little bookshelf that you could also use as a stool. The idea was that someday you'd be looking for a book, when all of a sudden you'd urgently need a stool, so you'd just dump the books on the floor and there you'd be, dave barry articles.

At least I assume that was the thinking behind the bookshelf-stool. Schmidt designed it, and we students sure know better than to ask any questions. I regret today that I didn't take more shop in high school, because while I have never once used anything I know about the cosine and the tangent, I have used my shop skills to make many useful objects for my home. For example, I recently made a board.

I use my board in many ways. I stand on it when I have to get socks out of the dryer and water has been sitting in our basement around the dryer for a few days, and has developed a pretty healthy layer of scum on top plus heaven-only-knows-what new and predatory forms of life underneath. I also use my board to squash spiders.

All spiders are deadly killers. Don't believe any of the stuff you read in "National Geographic". If you'd like to make a board, you'll need: Materials: Dave barry articles board, paint. Tools: A chisel, a handgun. Get your board at a lumberyard, but be prepared. Lumberyards reek of lunacy. When they tell you a board is a "two-by-four", they mean it is NOT two inches by four inches. Likewise, a "one-by-six" is NOT one inch by six inches.

So if you know what size board you want, tell the lumberperson you want some other size. If you don't know what size you want, tell dave barry articles it's for squashing spiders.

He'll know what you need. You should paint your board so people will know it's a home carpentry project, as opposed to a mere board. I suggest you use a darkish color, something along the lines of spider guts. Use your chisel to open the paint can.

Have your gun ready in case Mr. Schmidt is lurking around. Once you've finished your board, you can move on to a more advanced project, such as a harpsichord. But if you're really going to get into home carpentry, dave barry articles, you should have a home workshop. You will find that your workshop is very useful as a place to store lawn sprinklers and objects you intend to fix sometime before you die.

My wife and I have worked out out a simple eight-step procedure for deciding which objects to store in my home workshop:. My wife tells me an object is broken. For instance, she may say, "The lamp on my bedside table doesn't work. My dave barry articles notifies me she is not mistaken. I conduct a preliminary investigation, dave barry articles. In the case of the lamp, I flick the switch and note that the lamp doesn't go on.

I wait 6 to 19 months, hoping that God will fix the lamp, or the Russians will attack us and the entire world will be a glowing heap of radioactive slag and nobody will care about the lamp anymore.

My wife then alerts me that the lamp still doesn't work. I try to repair the lamp on the spot. Usually, I look for a likely trouble spot and whack it with a blunt instrument. This often works on lamps. It rarely works on microwave ovens. If the on-the-spot repair doesn't work, I say: "I'll have to take this lamp down to the home workshop.

If you follow this procedure, after a few years you will have a great many broken objects in your home workshop. In the interim, however, dave barry articles, it will look barren.

This is why you need tools. To give your shop an attractive, nonbarren appearance, you should get several thousand dollars worth of tools and hang them from pegboards in a graceful display. I have a radial arm saw, which is like any other saw except that it has a blade that spins at several billion revolutions per second and therefore can sever your average arm in a trice. When I operate my dave barry articles ial arm saw, I use a safety procedure that was developed by X-ray machine technicians: I leave dave barry articles room.

I turn off all the power in the house, leave a piece of wood near the saw, dave barry articles, scurry to a safe distance, and turn the power back dave barry articles. That is how I made my board. Once you get the hang of using your tools, dave barry articles, dave barry articles make all kinds of projects. Here are some other ones I've made: A length of rope. Wood with nails in it. If you'd like plans for any of these projects, just drop some money in an envelope and send it to me and I'll keep it.

The information you receive dave barry articles from this site is protected by the copyright laws of the United States. The copyright laws prohibit any copying, redistributing, retransmitting, or repurposing of any copyright-protected material, dave barry articles.

NOTE: We're happy to have you link to this page on your web site, or send the link to your friends in email. But please don't copy the columns and put them on your site, or send them out in email, dave barry articles. Meet Dave on tour! My wife and I dave barry articles worked out out a simple eight-step procedure for deciding which objects to store in my home workshop: My wife tells me an object is broken. Now available!

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Dave Barry: The Greatest (Party) Generation - WSJ


dave barry articles


(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 22, ) So I have to tell you what I saw on the interstate the other night. First, though, you must understand that this was not. Collected columns. Dave Barry's Bad Habits: A % Fact-Free Book () Dave Barry's Greatest Hits () Dave Barry Talks Back () The World According to Dave Barry () (includes Dave Barry Talks Back, Dave Barry Turns 40 and Dave Barry's Greatest Hits) Dave Barry is NOT Making This Up () Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus ()Spouse: Ann Shelnutt (Early s), Beth Lenox . But please don't copy the columns and put them on your site, or your blog, or your message board. Please don't send them out to your friends in email. If this works out, we'll be adding more from time to time. Columns For links to Dave's recent columns.